It Was Uncalled For

Okay, all of us web junkies by now have seen the Michael (Kramer) Richards footage of him screaming racial slurs by now. And all of us know that what he did was a terrible thing. I don't think you guys need me to write a book about that. Plain as day.

However, as much as Richards should be scolded for what he did, so should the men who caused the ruckus in the first place. Cracker may not have the same impact as the word nigger but it is still a slur. No excuses. But since they are not famous, or even on camera, the media insteads focuses on Richards. I wonder how much heckling they must have done to drive Richards into such a rage. Is he racist? Perhaps the same as you and I, for all of us have a flawed human nature and you don't need a theological degree or a doctorate in psychology to know that if push comes to shove the worst will come out of us.

Either way, Richards has apologized and I'm willing to forgive him and move on. Some of you might be thinking how could I forgive him since I'm not black. You see, that is the problem. I see racial slurs as not just offending a certain group but all groups. Everyone. And if maybe we all saw it that way maybe there wouldn't be so many racial problems in this country.

What do you think?

Not talking About 9/11

Originally I wanted to talk about my experiences with 9/11 but to be honest, I'm sick to death with all the movies and media trying to push their perspective of what happened down my throat. I'm tired of talking about it. I'm tired of listening about it. I'm tired of hearing about 9/11 being about heroism and new ways for Hollywood to make a buck. Do you really want to know what I think about 9/11?

People running to the trains when I was going above ground.

The rain of ash falling on us between plane crashes.

The rumbling on the ground as the first tower fell.

Wrapping my shirt around my face so I wouldn't breathe the fog of dust enveloping the city.

Confusion; everyone thinking City Hall was bombed, no one knowing how to get home.

People screaming on the bridge, thinking a plane that passed by would crash on us.

And right now, I heard about how so many volunteers are now sick because the government agencies lied to them about how toxic the air was around Ground Zero.

When will that movie come out?

Infernal Toon

Words are resoundingly poor for expression of the visual horror that awaits you. Click on the above image.

It will hurt, and you will cry.

Role Model Non Grata

Anna has graced you lowlings with her review of Anime Next 2006 over at Latest Issue East. In consideration of the barbarous who cannot value that young lady’s immaculate prose, she was kind enough to throw in an orgy of pretty pictures. The day after AN 06’ concluded, I planned on giving our ever so helpful-Anna a call to thank her for all the work she did that weekend. Lamentably, I had to rethink the gesture. You too would find yourself unenthused about dialing someone up again when their idea of phone sex is nude recitation of Zentradi yaoi while partially submerged in a bathtub full of Steven Seagal’s Lightning Bolt: Asian Experience Energy Drink.

Regarding this year’s Anime Next, I bring you one of plentiful tales. Filming at AN, or at any other geek symposium, places you in the path of interesting people. There was hardly a shortage of human dioramas this time around. Though a great deal of the company I enjoyed was memorable (like the Urusei Yatsura cosplayer who told me the story of how she broke her hymen while trying on a chastity belt), one little man distinguished himself in my mind. Now when I say ‘little’, let me clarify that said fellow was six feet tall; but the way he was acting made it difficult to view him with immensity.

I approached this puddle of dejection to ask about his outfit. As I walked forward with my trademark LIETV strut, I noticed how fearful he seemed and the awkwardness in his body language. After the first minute of conversation he confessed to me how uncomfortable he was feeling as well as the inexplicable fear he suffered at the mere idea of walking over and talking to someone. Indeed, here was a young man who hitchhiked to attend an anime convention—a type of event that facilitates highly social atmosphere—in salient costume, no less…whining over his communicative impotence. Better still, he asks me for advice on how to deal with it, as if affectionately calling girls ‘disgruntled lesbians’ on camera and making retarded quadriplegic children-jokes between segments qualifies me as a therapist. In the face of his plea, I could’ve stared this guy away, hurled all sorts of invectives at him, showed up at his house and rendered his cream cheese useless by eating the entire pack of bagels only after slapping his mother. Then I thought, “Hey, why do what I always do in situations like this?”

I shared a self-esteem exercise with him that any anime fan can understand. It is a technique I myself developed many years ago to help deal with my own insecurities and issues before stepping toward manifest greatness. I asked the guy if he had ever watched Neon Genesis Evangelion. Having confirmed that he did, I asked him which character he hated the most in that series. Naturally, he responded with ‘Shinji Ikari’, going further to say that the boy is arguably the most despised protagonist in the history of Japanese animation. Armed with everything I needed to know to make this advice work for my wayward listener, I instructed him to think about Shinji intensely (not that kind of ‘intensely’), to mentally replay every scene featuring that character over and over again. Puzzled at my counsel, he walked off to do what he was told.

An hour or so later, he came up to me with a confident smile and a ‘thank you.’ He went on about how persistently visualizing Shinji led him to compare himself to that weak jackass and made him realize how pathetic he was behaving. All that anger and irritation with bitch-ass Ikari was thus redirected at himself, allowing him to break his own constraint out of sheer frustration. It didn’t produce an instant remedy for his problems, but he mustered up enough nerve to go make a few new friends that day.

There it is. Let’s all be happy for the poor soul. Eventually, I intend to send him a complimentary Latest Issue-plunger. I suppose the rest of you will want one of those too, so it’s my responsibility under company policy to inform you that our plungers are not designed for toilet use. Rather, their function is to suck food out through the eyes of a fat person in the event they eat tainted Yak. Mine came in handy during the wait in line for Superman Returns.

Lest the growth of the contributors list on this blog play elusive, new agents within our sphere of internet dominion will begin posting soon. This Star Wars flash on NewGrounds might provide entertainment until their debut. Once they arrive, be nice to them if you don’t want me to inflict episodes of The Galaxy Trio upon you.

Diabolical Dialogues

I'm usually a somewhat private person. When I'm not composing enchanting symphonies of video hosting-godhood, people speculate all manner of conjecture as to what I do during my debilitating absence from their lives. Since I am in a gracious mood, I shall now grant the repeated request of some frequent convention goers and create an AIM screen name through which all you imperfect creatures can pester me. I'll be online under the name IvanLIETV.

However, the inability of many human beings to generate interesting conversation is something I've become sadly aware of due to my participation in this evil called Latest Issue. So to help any of you who may suffer from that oral affliction, here are a few discussion topics to start out with when you first IM me:

There should be a culture in which being nude is mandatory for funeral attendance.

I'd like to see a horse race after which the winning horse throws the jockey off his back and begins to eat him alive.

Judges who insist on wearing pants under their robes deserve to be pummeled savagely.

When announcing a decision to a group of my colleagues or friends, I tell them it was unanimous. Sure, I’m the only party involved, but saying it was unanimous makes the decision sound more important.

Would you like to know how I avoid dealing with long lines at an ice cream truck? Here’s my secret: I wear a t-shirt that says, “Children are delicious.”

I don’t like mimes. To me, they’re the larval stage of clowns.

What sentence makes sense only when you say it on Venus? This one: “Tomorrow is not soon enough; I need it by next year.”

You promote overthrow of the government—they call you an enemy. You overthrow the government—they call you a hero. Go figure.

If someone throws a penny at you, dodge. Pennies hurt.

Don’t try to recognize everyone equally. Some people are just better than others. If you disagree with that, you’re not one of the better ones.

The one challenging and fulfilling career I long for is to be a shark dentist.

Just for fun, adorn a wall of your house with framed women’s underwear. When your girlfriend demands an explanation, tell her these are trophies from all your previous adventures. Of course, her thong should be bronzed and placed on a marble stand; true love deserves nothing less than the honorable mention.

Xenophobia In The Face

We find it hardly surprising that the dear hoi polloi I keep alive as afterthought receptacles gravitate to my all-knowing countenance over many a question. As unsurprisingly, a sizeable chunk of the constant queries bears drollery to the fuckteenth degree.

A verbal probe that rains down on me ceaselessly from the video game-inclined, including my black friends, is “Hey Ivan, what’s up with that intro sequence in Street Fighter II where the white guy punches out the black guy?” The ostensibility of my wisdom granted, why do you commoners keep pelting me with this inanity? Skinny brown men can only entertain such ponderings for so long before spontaneous anal rapes occur. I won’t rule out a Capcom ball gag for the especially persistent.

Latest Issue receives free stuff of all varieties.

A sample from the LIETV job application

To the astonishment of higher life forms such as ourselves, most humans do seem hopelessly moronic. The alternative prospect would entail a specificity of these cerebrally deficient creatures to those seeking employment with Latest Issue. I hope such is not the case. For the sake of readers pondering my answer to this question when I applied all those moons ago: “C”.

One perk attached to being sexy is the automatic correctness of anything you write.